Perusing the Obituaries

If you have truly felt the pain of losing someone close to your heart, why would you want to relive triggering events of that time such as being reminded of an obituary? There are people who look forward to that section of the paper and read the obituaries daily.

One of the most difficult experiences of my life was to give information for my daughter’s obituary.  The final product happens before you even realize what is happening and you never get to say what you really wanted to say.  It’s not until the fog lifts that you remember that you should have said this or that or have been more precise about something.    A sudden death is not like a prolong death in which the dying person can contribute to the obituary and it can be edited repeatedly by more than one set of eyes.

It’s morbid to peruse the obituaries looking for topics for small talk similar to discussing the weather.

Person who peruses the obituaries daily:

Do you know that horrible woman who used to date my man back before we were married?  Well, thankfully that bitch died!

Uncomfortable Listener:



How is a person’s life so void of compassion and meaning?  What led them from a newborn human being with the potential to love to a person looking for comeuppances in the obituaries?

Personal Power: Get Some, it’s Free

Personal power is based on strength, confidence, and competence that individuals gradually acquire in the course of their development. It is self-assertion, and a natural, healthy striving for love, satisfaction and meaning in one’s interpersonal world. This type of power represents a movement toward self-realization and transcendent goals in life; its primary aim is mastery of self, not others. Personal power is more an attitude or state of mind than an attempt to maneuver or control others. It is based on competence, vision, positive personal qualities, and service. When externalized it is likely to be more generous, creative and humane than other forms of power.

What Infidelity Reveals, Part II

In the first part of this post about what infidelity reveals, I mentioned how it is the injured spouse who has to resolve the conflict that the cheating spouse created when he avoided addressing the initial problem at home.  When children are involved, including adult children many people will turn to the woman/wife/mother and expect/demand for her to take “the high road,” for the children.  No one asks the cheating male to take “the high road.”  Cheating is not the high road, it’s the underbelly of the low road. It’s as if society at large is saying these males are expected to be horrible and it is everyone else’s job to pick up after their messes.  And there are women standing in line to pick up his mess too.

That woman who is willing to take in a married man is usually his lonely mother or a desperate promiscuous woman with low self-esteem.  Everyone can understand a mother’s protection to a certain extent, especially if he has been able to hide his horribleness from her, and/or she has an unhealthy attachment to him.  There are mothers out there who would very much like their sons to be their husbands.  Hopefully, the desire to have sex with him is repressed, but she certainly wants all the other benefits from her son that comes from having a husband.  Understanding that, it is easy to see why a mother is the one standing there waiting to catch him after he behaved abominably to his wife and children.  There is something in it for her.  It’s a symbiotic relationship.  In fact, the benefits are so strong for her that she may had orchestrated the entire breakup, especially if he is a weak man who never did the emotional heavy lifting that it takes to separate oneself from one’s mother, particularly, if that mother was emotionally abusive to him as a child.  In addition, if the mother had a divorce herself, she may attempt to change the outcome of her divorce through her son’s divorce. Of course, she cannot actually change the outcome of her divorce but she can live through him in an attempt to feel like she changed the outcome.  A kind and compassionate woman wouldn’t want anyone to suffer what she suffered, but a mean and nasty woman who failed to progress emotionally through life would derive pleasure from knowing that another woman is suffering the same fate.

It’s self-explanatory why a desperate promiscuous woman with low self-esteem would take in a married man.  She is used to picking up the scraps and thinking nothing of it.

What is most revealing among this trio of emotionally stunted adults is how the man could not leave his marriage without already having another woman. Men rely on women to pick up their shit.  Why would he live on his own and have to do for himself if he can get some woman to do for him?  And it is that reality that exposes the character of the desperate promiscuous woman with low self-esteem who takes in the married man.   If she were a confident woman with positive and ambitious life goals, she wouldn’t lower herself and accept a man who has not shown that he can be a man in his own right.  But naturally, co-dependency prevails.

No decent and hard working woman should take in any man until he has proven that he can be his own man.  But it’s arrogance.  With all of her past failures with men, the homewrecker still believes she can do something with this particular married man that his wife was not able to accomplish.

It is not until women stop giving refuge to emotionally stunted men will these men ever do the mental work and become emotionally healthy men.

Having Courage Does Not Mean Exercising Violence

After yesterday’s post and considering the emotional, financial, and physical violence that we (my daughter and I) have suffered at the hands of some family members, I feel the need to define cowardliness.   Because, people who do not have a problem with violence may default the definition of cowardliness to mean the inability to kick someone’s ass.  In other words, exercise violence. When I speak of cowardliness, I mean the lack of mental fortitude.  Someone who does not have the courage to communicate their problems and work out a solution is a coward, especially if they use avoidance and withholding as their method.

The last thing I want to do is give someone an excuse to become violent.   It doesn’t take courage to commit violence; it takes a lack of impulse control and immaturity.

I suspect most of my in-laws accept violence.  Based on how they failed to react to the violence inflicted on my daughter on New Year’s Day, one would think it is an everyday occurrence.   The demand to make it right fell on deaf ears.  Their actions suggested that they are comfortable using violence when irritated.  If anything, I am sure they rationalized away the violence inflicted on my daughter.   I mean who thinks it is acceptable for a 14-year-old boy to haul off and punch a 16-year-old girl in the face, —sucker punch on top of that.  What kind of people accepts this type of behavior as normal and natural?

What Infidelity Reveals

A birthday card to my husband from his side-chick low brow redneck white trash homewrecker.

A birthday card to my husband from his side-chick low brow redneck white trash homewrecker.

When the divorce attorney asked me about marriage counseling, I was thrown off for a second, but only a second.  Intellectually, I know it is something offered or recommended for many divorcing couples.  However, I haven’t thought of it because from day one, I asserted that infidelity would be a deal breaker, and I meant it.  I haven’t meant anything so seriously before in my life about relationships as I mean that.  If people can bounce back from infidelity and make their marriage work, then good for them.  However, I know my limitations. I have wandered through most of my life without a clue or a solid direction; yet, the convictions that I cherish have always seen me through.  I trust my convictions.  Even when those convictions land me into lonely and miserable country, I keep them as loyal friends.  My convictions have been true; have been proven true time and time again.  I will not abandon my convictions.  They are as dear to me as my instincts.

I don’t accept infidelity.  It’s a deal breaker.  My mother-in-law tolerated my father-in-law’s cheating.  She chased him and his lover all over town, even being arrested on one occasion after he moved out of the house.  To this day, she would take him back if he were to have her.  That’s nasty and self-degrading. But, some women hold the opinion that having a husband is superior to not having one to the point that they would vitiate themselves before going without a husband.

It’s not the act of sex with someone else outside the marriage that makes infidelity a deal-breaker specifically, although the thought of tolerating that is repugnant to me, it’s what infidelity reveals about a person’s character.   It wouldn’t be infidelity if the married couple agreed on outside the marriage sex; however when both parties promise each other that monogamy would be the practice, then outside sex does become infidelity.  What infidelity reveals about the cheating spouse’s character is an unforgivable level of cowardliness.

We are all cowardly to an extent.  For example, who likes confrontation? Confrontation causes all of our worse anxieties to surface.  No one likes it.  The entire series of Very British Problems boils down to the desire to avoid confrontation.  However, it has to be done, especially when there is a breakdown in a marriage.  You must communicate.  One of the two cannot go around like a mute idiot.  If one spouse becomes unhappy with the marriage, avoids discussing it, and instead begins an extra-martial affair, the very act alone exposes his character weakness, and his desire to humiliate his partner. What spouse in the entire world who has been cheated on has not suffered some type of humiliation?  Cheating is an act of passive-aggressiveness.  He is too cowardly to confront the undesired problem in the marriage but aggressive enough to want to humiliate his wife.   As if I’m the reason for his cowardliness. I have to deal with my own cowardliness when it comes to having to confront people in everyday exchanges, I don’t need to take on or be the target of his cowardliness. Cheating puts the burden on the injured spouse.  The injured spouse is left with resolving the conflict that the cheating spouse created when he avoided addressing the initial problem at home.

If the cheating spouse (my louse of a husband) would be allowed to remain in the marriage, it wouldn’t be the daily reminder that he had sex with Cyndie that would grate so much; it would be the daily reminder that he is a weak and cowardly man who does not have the mental fortitude to face life’s problems.  Who can respect such a gutless individual?  Who can trust a person like that to be a life partner, someone to consider what’s best for the family? A weak and cowardly person is not able to consider what is best for a family as a whole.